thursday morning halo

I'm at the local Starbucks, mildly happy I was able to make it here by 7 am. Odd, how it's always 7 am. Why can't I get here sooner?

It's strange, how I always repeat patterns.

I had a strange dream last night, the last bit of it was that I was in a class with Madonna, a yoga class, and they were kind of excited that I was the only man in the class, but the women weren't saying anything. I know I was going to college at the time. And part of it, I know, is taht it was kind of like me being in a class with her in New York, as if I was rich and successful as a writer, because that is where I would go.

I remember that I was ... dropping a class, because I hadn't studied, so I was in college. Anywhoo, in the class, I was asking a question about why it was so hard for women to buy leotards, and Madonna said something, some answer. And then she was hitting on me, because I was famous like her, kissing me inappropriately. And without make-up, she was freckly.

My whole like revolves around panic attacks, and for a while now, I have had this panic attack feeling, like my heart was beating too much, like I'm 40 and I don't exercise enough, and I'm going to have a heart attack. And sometimes when I wke and get up quickly, and my heart starts pounding rapidly, I start to feel that way. But lately, I have felt relaxed, or I have been able to ... calm that down.

I'm not feeling as much of that panic feeling, like I need to rush around. Part of doing massage, was that I was sort of paniking, and trying to earn money as quickly as possible. And now ... I am starting to feel like the universe has a meaning and a purpose, and that I need to sort of accept what is around me, to see why am I in the situations that I am in, or at least accept things that are sort of unpleasant, instead of resisting them, to maybe even see that everything the universe gives you is a gift.

Maybe when I was younger ... I could not accept what was going on around me, life seemed too horrible. My parents were awful, my mother was horrible to be around, and it was awful to be at that elementary school with those fucked up children. I think that is the first instance of something that makes me believe in past lives, because I just couldn't stand being around those children. On some level, I couldn't believe that my life was completely horrible. And I had traumatic things happen, like peeing my pants in the corner and having to do stupid relay races. Who thinks that shit up? It's interesting to me, because in the Buddhist life, I didn't have to worry about my survival, people probably took care of me. But now ... I guess I am learning what it means to be ... to have to be around other people for my survival.

I think maybe I don't have it all figured out.

I am really enjoying writing in this hournal all of a sudden. Last night at borders, it was so fun to write in this thing. It was the first time in my life that it was more fun to write in my journal, than it was to write my script. But the script I am working on now is fun too, because it is taking a unique shape, I don't really care if I write a billion pages. I don't really care if it's perfect.

In some ways, I don't even feel like writing. Like right now, I'm tired. I came home last night and ate cookies and watched Dead Like Me, which is pretty good in it's second and last season. Depressing that it is no longer on the air.

Maybe I have a little of that charbohydrate feeling, like the psychic said, of not having any energy. I am going to have to try eating less carbs. So that I can have more energy. And maybe exercise more.

What a strange life that I live, where all I want to do is create dynamics where I am working all the time. But it is so fun to go to Borders at night.

It's very interesting to me, how I never want to do massage again. And why should I? My future is like a gamble, and the only think I would like to do is write. But it's strange to me how it's totally uninteresting to me. Even the money is pretty meaningless. Maybe not completely. But I don't see myself working evern again as a massage therapist, not even working on people like the UPS guy.

There is a man here who has strange things going on with the veins in his legs.

I'm so surprised I don't want to do massage anymore. I detest it, and now I can totally leave that world behind, except for a few friends I have. The candles I guess I will do for a while, that is odd too, though, because ... it's so cyclical, that I would do candles, which will sort of peter out. It's strange how you can have times in your life where you get a lot done.

So, it was fun going to Borders last night, and I am really glad they are not going to close their doors on the coffee side until later in August. But it is fun going there, more fun than it is to work at the spa. I just can't give that up. I can't give up writing, I want to keep writing and working on all of my scripts. Plus, I'm just tired.

I love this Ipod too, but I need to get some more music, so that I have something fun to listen to when I'm blocking out the noise at bookstores.

Guide stuff has been hit and miss. I don't think I get totally what is going on with that, but that is okay too. I just started saying that to the guides last night, that I don't get it. I feel like I have a moment of lucidity, when I am meditating with them, but then my mind starts to wander.